Güd wrtr

Because, really, when you think about it,
you can’t love small if you’re really loving.

When you throw your whole heart into it,
headfirst off the high dive, it’s big.

But then comes the challenge, after the easy
fall into warmth, into embracing arms,

into a baby’s smile or a tail-wagging bark.
Love bigger. When the water cools and you

want to climb out, when the arms loosen,
perhaps even let go for good. When the child

kicks dirt at you, pouting. When the four-footed
ones sicken, when hard decisions stare at you

from their pained eyes. Love bigger. Let tears
fall without embarrassment; don’t hide the ache.

Love anyway, even if they’re going. Even if they’ve gone.
Even if they didn’t want to. Even if they did.

Because your gigantic heart can only love big, to your
everlasting, toe-tapping, larger-than-life credit.

And know that there are so many of us
who adore your big love, revel in it, rely on it,

and we’re shining it right back at the mirror
of you, sweetheart, bigger than you ever imagined.

Apologies have been made,
plenty of mea culpas, some on our knees,

though asking for forgiveness, it’s said,
is selfish—it’s up to the one who has been

wronged to decide, not the wrong-doer.
Time to stop the self-flagellation,

go outside, take a walk, let go
of what’s been done, which sends us

twirling back into spirals of shame:
How could I? What was I thinking?

But in every footstep, solvitur ambulando—
Saint Augustine was said to have said.

“It is solved by walking”—
the remedy for every mental travail.

And if not solved, soothed.
If not healed, eased.

No small thing, letting go,
essential to going on

peacefully, step after step
after blesséd step.

•••

(“the remedy for every mental travail” is paraphrased
from Bruce Chatwin’s book, “The Songlines” )

At their advanced age, my teeth have
achieved ideal occlusion, the uppers
slightly overlapping the lowers,

as well as interdigitation—the cusps
of the upper molars fitting precisely
into the grooves of the lower molars,

thanks to a series of teeth-shaped
aligners that have hugged my
overbite and, with gently controlled

pressure, tugged my nashers into
proper position. This orthodontic
miracle did not exist a half century ago

when my poor teeth, encased in metal
bands, tugged by unforgiving (and
spectacularly unattractive) headgear,

ached constantly for years, along with
the rest of teenaged me. It was well-
intentioned, I know, and my teeth did

shift in the desired direction, but over
the decades they migrated, as all
our parts do, to center, my former

dentist told me, patting his belly.
Now, nine months after the first
set of aligners took up residence

in my mouth, I am a walking billboard
for the it’s-never-too-late crowd,
eager to get the retainers that

will hold my not-quite-pearly whites
in place (next up: a little whitening),
and then, shiny and spiffed up

for my comeback, I will toss my head
and deliver my line: All right, Mr. DeMille,
I’m ready for my close-up.

Your body will remember how to soften
when it needs to.

When the time comes that there is no time,
when you become boneless,

your spine melting into gel before slipping
into the ether.

This kind of love might feel familiar,
if you have been lucky,

this unembodied state that comes as close
to floating as gravity-laden

beings can imagine. Love masquerading
as dying,

dying impersonating love, which is what
the falling feels like,

dissolving into a soft landing where,
you discover, the beloved waits,

and you are held and held and held.

(for Dick Schmidt on his 83rd birthday)

In February the setting sun
at just the right angle with enough
snowmelt can sizzle Horsetail Falls

into a fiery swath of pseudo lava
cascading down El Capitan. Though
we’ve often stood in that meadow

looking up at the granite monolith,
we’ve only seen this rare alignment
of light and water in photos.

But in another national park,
we have watched actual screaming
orange lava birth new earth,

seen it cascade into the ocean,
sizzling for an instant, then cooling
once it hits the sea and sinks.

We have walked over crunchy
pahoehoe the color of coal,
feeling its crushed-glass texture

under our boots, and we have left
bits of loved ones’ cremains near
slow-moving lava, watching

the orange arms of the volcano
goddess gently encircle the ashes
before claiming them.

Of all the wonders you have shown
me, none compares to standing
with you, taking in the beauty

of the earth, the fire and water,
the here and gone, awestruck by
the miraculous—not least the great

good fortune that has landed us
together in this moment,
mindful of the thousands of

breath-catching marvels we have
shared, and of all the firefalls
yet to come.

The invitation comes:
Close your eyes to breathe,
to arrive, as Buddhist monks,

step by step, walk into the
nation’s capital 110 days after
setting out on their 2,300-mile

journey for peace. Some days
I wish that I had not arrived
at this too-tender spot,

my whole body a fleshy,
aching mass, mourning
for what has vanished.

The monks remind us, day
after day, that change is
inevitable, that everything

dies—and too soon adds
Mary Oliver. They teach that there
is no past, no future, only now.

I have arrived; I am home,
Thich Nhat Hanh calligraphed
in a circle again and again

before his spirit made its
final journey. He, like so many
others, taught that this moment,

this now, is where we have
all arrived. Which is when
I remember that none of us

walks alone. If I look over
my shoulder, I see a long line
of beloveds following,

stopping when I stop,
moving forward when I take
a step. I close my eyes,

breathe and feel them,
the arrived, right here,
peacefully, all of us

going on and on as one.

•••

In honor of the venerable monks who have walked over the past 110 days
from Fort Worth, Texas, to Washington, D.C., spreading and being met
with kindness from thousands who have volunteered to feed them,
tend their aching bodies and give them shelter and all manner of support.
May our journey of peace continue on this planet as the monks
are taken safely home, as we, forever changed, follow in their footsteps.

Though they appear spontaneous
to onlookers, pop-up music happenings
require a fair amount of planning
and set-up. Music stands

and sound equipment, tympani,
euphoniums and baritone saxes
must be transported across campus
to the library—a lot of work

for a mini concert by a jazz band
and a symphonic wind ensemble
after only three rehearsals with
some of us still learning our parts.

Oddly, I am surprisingly calm about it
crawling through rush-hour traffic,
heading east into rain, clouds spitting
on the windshield.

Dry and warm, I hum my bells part,
hoping to link the tune in my head
to my still-awkward hands as we
commuters near the Sunrise offramp,

when, against the gray sky ahead,
a leg of rainbow faintly appears,
teasing those of us slow poking
our way to wherever we are going.

Practically at a standstill, I wonder
how many of us ensconced in our cars
sit entranced by the spectacle of
the full-spectrum light show as it

blooms, intensifies, then oh, so gradually
fades—this literal pop-up that earns
our wide-eyed, wow, look at that!
admiration for those high up

in the Rainbows Department
diligently working behind the scenes,
the ones busily polishing the prisms,
shining their little hearts out.

•••

With thanks to Dr. Molly Redfield and the Folsom Lake College Jazz Band
and Symphonic Wind Ensemble for all the work (and fun!) of our first
pop-up concert of the semester.

I am like every boy kid who
races outside when he hears
a siren, hoping to catch a glimpse
of the huge red truck zooming by.

Though in my case, I am a bonafide
oldster who leapt up from the computer
like a much younger being when I
heard the telltale scrape-scrape
of the claw in front of my house
on a sunny Monday afternoon.

The blesséd yard guys had tidily
draped half a season’s worth of yard
detritus along the curb, a dull
shawl of brittled sycamore leaves,
whips of spent wisteria vines
topped off by some of my neighbor’s
tired greenery.

It all sat there for two weeks,
decomposing, each day sending me
into a tiny tizzy: Are they coming?
Did claw season end, and I missed it?

But hearing the unmistakable sound,
I looked out the front window, and
there they were—the two-man crew—
one throttling the big scraper that
scoops up all manner of debris off
our streets, and the other green-vested
driver standing in the street alongside
his big blue behemoth of a city vehicle
whose open mouth receives what
the claw delivers.

Theirs is a finely choreographed dance
worthy of Ailey or Graham, and even
after three months of collecting what our
city of trees has discarded, it still makes
for a delightful performance.

I went outside, took photos, grinning
as the green-vested man struck
a sidewalk pose, his hand raised in an
open-fingered wave as his partner
clawed up the last of the leavings.

Then the waving man performed
the pièce de résistance, retrieving a wide
push broom from the big blue truck
and sweeping the remains into a tidy pile
for the claw’s final pass before they
departed, waving like firefighters
off to save other citizens,

these servants of civility who, I hope,
get as much of a kick out of admirers
like me as I do them.

(In memory of Margery Thompson)

On the last day, before your daughter
turned your house over to people who
would go through every drawer,

as we had, pull out everything saleable
from closets and cupboards, assign
value to each item, then donate

or throw away the rest, I sat at your piano—
the creamy Baldwin baby grand that your
beloved bought you after the two of you

moved into the house three decades
ago. I lifted the fallboard over the keys
that looked back at me, unblinking.

I wanted to play something lovely,
but your sheet music had been bagged,
your binders of music and hymnals boxed,

so my fingers noodled through scales,
attempted some chords. I watched
the strings sheltered by the open lid

leap at the touch of the hammers,
and the ghosts of pianists wafted out,
those who’d sat on the pink velvet

bench and played all manner of etudes,
hymns and jazz—and on one memorable
night, my favorite Joplin concert waltz

by a famous jazz pianist whom we all
loved. And you, too, rose with the notes,
floating into the empty living room

where you hosted so many parties
and family gatherings, where last
Christmas you gave us the best gift—

you, one last time—which we could
not fit into any of the dozens of boxes
we carted away to live with us.

But we carried you with us as we
flicked off the lights, locked the
back door one last time, saying

goodbye, then turned to see you
and your beloved standing in
that doorway, as you had

a thousand times, waving us off
into our lives—ta, ta for now!—
the strings of our hearts pulled

taut, the notes dissolving into
a gentle pianissimo before they
drifted gently into the good night.

•••

And in memory of so many who played Margery Thompson’s lovely Baldwin piano—among them Rev. Harvey Chinn and jazz pianist Bob Ringwald, who so memorably played from memory (as he did everything on the piano) “Bethena: A Concert Waltz” by Scott Joplin.

…my whole self
saying and singing what it knew…

—Denise Levertov from “Variations on a Theme By Rilke”

•••

At the end
may my whole self rise

saying and singing
what it knew

after a life in which
I mostly did not know

or did not think I knew
that I could have

lifted out of myself
at any time

or no time
beginning anew

flush with abundance
with the last breath

so full of song
so full of light