Güd wrtr

We call this Heebie-Jeebie Day,
the day before we leave on a trip.
He likes to say, “It’s easy—just
throw things into the car. Not like
we’re getting on a plane,” which
requires more compression of stuff,
of the too-much gear I tend to bring.

But heading for the coast, I never
know (despite weather predictions)
whether I’ll need the warm pullover
and scarf and jacket or lightweight
pants and T-shirts. We linger at
the doorstep to summer, and the
Northern California coast can plunge
into a month of fog, or blaze with
sunshine and tiny purple iris
sprouting in every meadow.

We never know. Which is why
packing for the journey is difficult,
why I’ve amassed too much stuff
in this lucky, lovely life, why I
labor now to divest myself
of much of the stuff—the rest
of my life’s work.

Now I unpack, closet by closet,
room by room, pile by pile
of accumulated paper.
Unhanger the professorial outfits,
box the unremarkable books,
shred, trash, scrap, eliminate,
jettison, dispose of. Adios. Aloha.

This is the time of shedding.

Right after I pack a bag or four
for the forthcoming sojourn,
this pilgrim’s progress to the sea,
remind myself to resist the temptation,
as my feet traverse the Bluff Top trail
and pummeled quartz sand, to pocket
smooth stones and bits of shells,
to fill my pockets with tiny treasures
of this fleeting world.

This breath, the rise and fall of belly and chest,
this eyeblink, the refocus, then another,
this swallow, the contraction of throat, then release,

a wandering in, a presence warming the back
of my neck, wondering which of you is flying in
this moment, in the next, the companion spirits

arriving en masse like swallows circling, landing,
ruffling feathers to settle on a for-now-just-right branch
among new leaves, this moment of starting over in

every breath and eyeblink, the feather that floats
groundward, which I retrieve with thanks, with this
breath, this rise and fall, this going on.

Years of historic drought that
left the lake I think of as mine
like a great sandbox with a
river running through it

mean that I’m surprised,
though I’ve been keeping an
eye on it since January,
to see Folsom nearly filled

to the brim, water covering
Granite Bay point till only
some of the mica-flecked rocks’
rounded backs remain dry

in spring sunshine. Today I
am not the only one admiring
the vastness of a full lake.
At the water’s edge stands

a young woman named Jess
and her yellow lab Olly, his gaze
fixed on the B-A-L-L lodged in
its launcher in his person’s hand.

And when she aims it into
the full bowl of royal blue, in he
goes, splashing like a little kid
who’s just discovered a puddle

and bounds out with his prize.
He heads for me, all bright eyes
and wagging tail, droplets popping
off him like rhinestones, dropping

the B-A-L-L at my feet. Who can
ignore such an enthusiastic
invitation? Though my throw
is far from graceful—or far,

for that matter—Olly does not
mind, swimming out to retrieve
and return, again and again, as
Jess and I get acquainted, while

her sweet older dog rests on
the sand, as we humans marvel
at the miracle of All That Water
with more to come—

one of us celebrating
the abundance with another
plunge, a happy shake-shake,
with another round of fetch.

for Mom

Chonk cat, this dude, ginormous paws,
looks like our first kitty, Fluffy, also
black & white but a hulk of a cat,
my mother’s trusty companion.

Monster fluff, the Maine coons, and
Maxi is getting used to my weekly
appearances in the house where I
grew up that is clearly now his.

He is shy with me and runs if I
stand too close. But if I sit with
him on the living room floor at
a respectful distance, quietly, give

him a little time to remember that
I’m the Pat Lady, ready with fingers
to scritch both sides of his bushy face,
deliver some kitty massage to his

shoulder blades, he winds around
me like a fleecy lasso, pulling me tight
to his big guy heart. The woman who
taught my sister and me to raise

kittens and take in cats needing
homes—she’s got herself a goliath
of a keeper, who sits on her lap,
who leaps onto her legs as she sleeps,

his significant poundage weighing
her down until she moves. Then
he leaps off, only to return,
faithful fellow that he is, her

furry protector whom she adores,
who is equally devoted to her,
and, I have to admit, I’m rather
smitten with this colossal kitten, too.

In our family, there was no clear line between religion and fly fishing.
—Norman Maclean, “A River Runs Through It”

Let him be
standing just like that,
legs apart in the stream,
one hand on the rod,
the other pulling the fly line
toward him, red filament pooling
in a circle atop the swirls
of water at his knees.

Let him be
there when the chinook
are heading upstream,
when they are ripe with eggs,
when they might be hungry
for the fly.

Let him be
the young man in waders
wearing a dark beard with
reddish glints in sunlight,
his calm hands unhurried
as he waves the wand
over his head in a graceful
arc between 10 and 2,
deftly setting leader and fly
atop water on its busy way
to the sea.

Let him be
aware of salmon
swimming toward him
as the river runs by him.

Let him be
aware of me as I stand
dry-footed on shore,
watching. Let him cast
me a fond smile as I wish
him happy birthday,
many returns of forever.

Let him know
that I’m soon to turn
sixty-five, though
he did not. Now
he is ageless,
my companion
spirit.

Let me turn
and walk away
whispering,
thank you,
and once again,
goodbye.

Let him know.
Let him be.
Let him.

On the 71st anniversary of the birth of my late husband,
Clifford Ernest Polland, May 21, 1952–March 19, 2001

You can listen to Jan read this poem here.

So much right now, on every corner, the blocks
in between, so much you’d think that it’s chased away
the sad, the blues, that no one can possibly die when
rock star flowers show off on their spring stage.

But no, we look up into the wild blue yonder, inhale
clear skies as pollen rains on the cars and some of it
sneaks up our noses. We plant the herb garden and
hope, despite knowing that we all have expiration

dates. Some of them arrive for those we know
on these breezy days, as we tuck seedlings into warm
earth beds, the cycle we’d rather forget of endings
arriving amid new life. It is our way to hope,

the happenstance of four-leaf clovers a one-in-
5,000 chance for luck, for love, for good fortune.
Here’s the thing: Should you find that four-leafletted
clover, keep looking. It’s likely to produce

more quartered offspring nearby. Look beyond
the green to polished stones gleaming, morning glories
climbing, to mountain-peak spring in a whirlpool
of wild. Claim the color, gather it, hold it close

to your sturdy heart. Then scatter every hue like
poppy seeds, with no idea if any will morph into
slender stems with petals the color of fresh lava.
Doesn’t matter. Share all the color you can,

even the humdrum—
porcelain, sagebrush, raven, old barn,
chanterelle, bone.
Glorious, all.

we live in the midst of astonishing mystery,
and in the everydayness, we must remember

to celebrate the miracle of where we find ourselves,
in the most ordinary places—at the car wash,

perhaps—on a hot spring afternoon watching
people vacuum up and wipe down, clean inside

and out what we imagine is ours before we drive
into the not knowing, forgetting, all too quickly,

the marvel of workers’ hands, their sweat and
energy expended momentarily for our benefit,

though ultimately for those they love, ones
they provide for, with their great, compassionate

hearts.

the red bush roses that Inez, the saint
of Santa Ynez Way, planted years ago
in the space between the apartment
building next door and my front yard—

luxuriant roses that unthinking
yard guys working next door hacked
to bits, far from the proper pruning
Inez taught me before she moved
away.

They’re yours now, she said sternly,
as was her way. Take care of them.

And so, when I come out to find
their main stems all but gone (leave
three main stems, Inez advised),
I felt that I’d let her down, knowing
that new ones will grow long and
skinny from the remaining stubs,
unable to support the weight
of the blossoms.

And sure enough, the leggy stems
now sag into each yard, a glorious
profusion of crimson that should be
growing in their proper bushy shape.

I know what to do: Cut the stragglers,
de-thorn and trim stems, remove
leaflets, take the roses inside and
set them in every vase I can find.

Then give them away—to a couple
walking their dog who happen to be
passing by—Would you like some
roses? I’m drowning in them—
gesturing to the lawn strewn with
velvety petals. Delight in the woman’s
surprise as I help her choose some—
careful of the thorns!—for their walk
home.

I deliver a vase to Jeff across the
street who talked to the yard guys
—don’t touch the roses!—
and another vase to the young
physicians and their toddler son
who live in what used to be Sonya’s
house, where I imagine her majestic
Mr. Lincolns blooming their fool
heads off.

She was the one who delivered,
more than once, a plastic bucket
full of roses to my front porch,
sending me searching for vases
and people with whom I could share
the bounty. How I wish I could
bundle up some of this rosy
magnificence and send it to her,
far away in Portland.

I wonder if Sonya remembers
the abundance that will last
through summer, if Inez is still
living, if they can feel my gratitude
from far away, if they can close
their eyes and summon
the fragrance of their roses
on a warm spring day.

for the Poeppel cats… and their people

I rise and dress, shunning the shower
for now, aware that today is the first day
of cat feeding a friend’s felines down
the block, maybe a quarter mile walk,
including the stairs up to her old house,
so I put on the walking shoes, set off into
a day hovering between spring and summer.

It’s projected to be 90 with a breeze, the
perfect summer day, though we are a month
away from its official start, but it’s still 20
degrees below that now under bright blue
skies not yet grayed from heat and fires.

We are in the just-right moment here,
and the kitties I let myself in to feed greet
me eagerly, though I arrive much later than
they’d like. They are forgiving souls, like
so many who surround me, those here and
gone, who remind me that there is grace
in scooping the litter box, in making sure
that Katy gets her tiny pill mooshed into
her food, that Maple likes her pink dish
in a specific corner to feel safe.

Don’t we all need that sense of safety,
that we’re fed and warm or cool enough?
Aren’t we all in between feedings?

I’ll be back, girls, I tell them as they finish
their breakfast and wander off to find a
favorite spot for a nap, as I head home
into a day of betweens, the spots where
the sparkling morning gleams through
new leaves, as I make my way to set
this all down before I forget it—
this tiny, precious moment.

for Mary Mackey

I follow her down the path by the river,
her river, the one she and her late husband
canoed, where they swam and soaked up
all manner of nature, when they weren’t

teaching or traveling to the Amazon
for research—him the environmental
scientist, her the poet/novelist who based
books deep in the jungle, among other

places. Now recovering from the tsunami
of his passing and exercising her new hip,
this long-ago teacher of mine still has
much to offer this perennial student.

Did I tell you the story about…? she’ll
begin, and even if she has, I want it again
because it’s been almost a half century
since I first sat in her classroom,

and Mary’s got so many more stories,
some doled out in books and poems,
some spun out to my listening ears
as we walk by the green-grassed,

poppied banks of the levee, each
day yellowing into summer weeds.
We follow the path under heavy oaks
that must be so grateful for all that

winter rain torrentially delivered,
the river running high and fast
beside our slow, steady steps. She
wants us to try the canoe once

the water settles down, after the big
melt that has filled every reservoir
and river in the state has passed
through. Can you steer? she asks,

and I think, Can I? Canoe?—
chuckling at the old joke. Can two
retired professor poets make their
way downstream, learning to

paddle in sync with a new/old friend?
I say, We can try, and Mary says,
with ageless enthusiasm,
Let’s.