Güd wrtr

I am here to nudge a dozen women who’ve set
anchor around a small moorage of tables

into writing about grief. And they do. And, if they
wish, they read. Tears spill; tissue is passed.

But under the table, sitting closer to my feet
than usual, Benji snuggles into my sandals,

and I, flattered, find myself sneaking peeks at him,
lowering a typing hand for a doglick, then returning

it to the laptop where I take notes on what
the writers have put on the page, what I will give

back to them as memorable, as strong, as delightful
or moving or powerful or whatever other adjective

I can come up with. Though, looking down into
those sweet brown eyes and scruffy ruff of our

most buoyant member, the only word that
floats on my tongue is adorable.

And she placed its open face
down on the mustard cushion
before she rose to a magnificent
height that I envied
as I watched her walk away.

I flirted with the Who is she?
story taking shape in my head,
but the more insistent question
was What is she reading?

That being the fingerprint
of a human who loves books,
as she must, I figured, given
the ease with which the spine
splayed and the well-thumbed
pages relaxed, awaiting her return.

If, say, she was reading Woolf,
did that legendary lighthouse
shine into her as it did for me?
Or could she be exploring
a collection of Emily’s poetic
gems, finding precious nuggets
that she’ll gather and carry
with her all her days?

But I project too much.
Honestly, I wouldn’t think less
of her should she be deeply sunk
into a ho-hum mystery or a
sweaty bodice ripper—if they
still rip bodices in romance
novels.

Mostly I like her because she
left her book open to mark
her place—in the pages and
in this space—to signify that
she will reappear and sink
her tall-girl self into
the mustard cushion,
pick up her book
and disappear,

as devout readers do,
into a somewhere that’s
as alive in her mind as she,
fictional character I’ve created,
is in mine.

When I am alone on the trail above the sea,
I think none of these things.
But once I’m home, treading sidewalks
over city streets this is what runs
through the ticker tape of my brain:

My right ankle feels sore… Is that plantar fasciitis?

Oh, wait, now it’s my left knee. What’s that about?

Siren coming down J Street, cars pulling over,
boxy red ambulance on its way to assisting.
Sending love and kindness to helpers and those
who need help.

Let’s cross 38th Street—dog walkers ahead…
a small white poodle and a tall standard model,
people chatting, dogs sniffing. Don’t want
to trigger a bark fest, though I wouldn’t
mind a doglick or two.

Around the corner: man on a ladder,
electric drill in hand, affixing needed
support to a fresh redwood fence.

Early Halloween decorations—
plastic, skeletal hands sticking out of dirt—
one flashing a thumbs up, another pair
forming the shape of a heart.

Dead rat on sidewalk. Ewww.

Veering onto 40th St. to wave at
Chuck and Lindsay‘s house, thinking of them
at my 10:30 a.m. enjoying their evening
in Aberdeen.

Now the right inner knee twinging.

Yesterday, three days into fall,
the thermometer topped out at 100°.
This morning all of 65°.
So it goes.

I do love a good poem walk,
simply the observer, the reporter,
dictating as I go into a tiny
electronic notebook in my hand.

After years of struggle, words and phrases
arrive in my head and fall out of my mouth,
my monkey mind on hold for the moment—
such a delight. Every time.

Oh, look, acorns courtesy of a neighborly
live oak strewn on the sidewalk, fat ones,
and nearby their haphazardly tossed caps.

I pick up three, pocket them,
walk on.

(verb: to bask in the sun)

Cats mastered this eons ago,
having passed on the lizard-like
quality to all felines ever after,

which is why, on the hottest
of days, like these at the front
end of fall, you may find

a clowder of cats apricating
in full sun, basking as if
plugged into our cosmic

energy source, which,
of course, like us,
they are.

Just this:

A bowl of Anahola Granola with
plenty of vanilla yogurt atop it,
sprinkled with fresh blueberries.

My jug of tea for drinking
and a soft cushion for sitting
on this deck as the glory of

an at-last sunny morning dawns
and a ruler-straight horizon
neatly separates sky from sea,

a thin ribbon of distant fog
keeping a respectful distance.
This is what I carry with me—

the peace of the Pacific, named
for a calm patch that Magellan
sailed across our nearest ocean,

a blue water view from Casa Pacis,
house of peace, within earshot
of waves meeting earth, eons

of weathered grains of quartz
and fragments of shelled
creatures morphed into this

fingerprint of sand unique
to this beach, on this stretch
of sea from which, they say,

all life on our planet originates.
Even me—here,
just like this.

(at The Sea Ranch, Sonoma coast)

On the first day of fall on the Sonoma
coast we find ourselves foggy, which
is not unusual for our state of mind.
But this fog obliterates the horizon,

though the sun does make a cameo
appearance as I roll out the yoga
mat on the deck. Even then, barely
a shadow. And later, on our walk

along the lichen-laced picket fence
row, we notice that the waves
have grown quiet, their crashing
momentarily sucked into the mist.

The small brown rabbit Dick
has seen on the trail emerges from
its same brushy spot to nibble
mid-path as we stop to watch.

These are the moments when
we’re lichen it, grateful for the
what-is, no matter the weather.
We’ll head home into a hazy

future, though the sun is
predicated to blaze bright
and hot. We cannot know
what’s coming or when.

We must keep the good thought,
pray for the highest outcome,
the greatest good, over which
we mere humans have far

too little control. We will
bring with us from
the seashore great tendrils
of kelp-like love to wrap

around those deep in
the struggle, lost in the fog.
We will call out like beacons
to pierce the mist:

We’re here for you!
This way, full steam ahead—
this way to home.

(for Pamela and Dave with
thanks for a happy afternoon
in Pt. Arena, California)

•••

Finally, the blue
after days of gray,
but the coast leans
that way at times,

gulls and buoys
together bobbing
in lacy fog, or stuck
in the thick blanket

of it. But we made
our way to the historic
lighthouse in the gray,
went inside the museum

to listen to a lecture
by a longtime counter
of seals and birds on
that coastline,

and, walking outside
afterward, there it blazed—
the deep blue of sky
under which some

of the gulls we’d just
learned about wheeled
overhead. The blue
belayed the fog as we

four made our way
to the pier surrounded
by soaring white cliffs,
a small flotilla of red

buoys arrayed like
large lozenges on
the deck, as a happy
fisherman showed off

an enormous ling cod
that took the bait. The
same kind of fish we
ate at the Pier Place

with good chowder,
as we four chatted—
while outside the fog
again swallowed the sun

on the last day of summer
and the blue with it.
But we’d seen it,
basked in it, like

the tall candlestick
of a freshly whitewashed
lighthouse that once
upon a time shined

its multi-faceted
brilliance through a
giant beehive of a lens,
across the night,

far out to sea.

Even in my looming absence
I am here, in your reaching.
I am horizon;
you will never hold me.
I will always hold you.

—Steve Garnaas-Holmes, from “Out of Reach”

•••

I hear you, looming absence,
not yet here but nearby,

so close I can feel your bear hug,
which is what makes absence

bearable. It embraces. It holds
those of us caught in longing,

as we call out, spinning
for the ones who have gone.

And, you remind me, I have
only to look to your indistinct

line, the apparent boundary
between sky and sea to

see that that there is no division,
one blending into another,

as those we consider absent
turn out to linger

on the shoulders of horizon,
every sunrise, every sunset,

even the ones we can’t see.

While I’m away,
Mary and Louise have come to stay
with Poki and Diego.

Louise, the new furry family
member, bounced into Mary’s
life as she traveled in Mexico,

which meant that Louise,
like many immigrants, understood
more Spanish than English.

Lulu, ven aqui! Mary called
in my back yard the day she
introduced us. And curly-

haired Louise did, indeed,
come trotting over, such
a calm, obedient girl.

When they arrived for
a fortnight of house and
cat care last month,

I was a bit nervous about
how Diego and Poki, unused
to dogs, might feel about

Louise. But Mary sent
photos of them all in
the kitchen, Louise with

rear legs splayed to cool
her tummy, Poki nearby
looking more tolerant

than she often is of Diego.
And today Mary texted
photos of Louise and Poki —

“unsuspecting besties 💜” —
a dogleg poised next to
an elderly kitty leg, and

sitting on the driveway,
contemplating something
amid the greenery,

proving again that you are
never too old or too young
to make a new best friend,

one who might help you
learn a new language, or
simply to sit with you

in contented,
companionable
silence.

This is where they birthed their pups.
This is where they swam with them
in the shallows, getting their babies
used to being the half-land, half-ocean
creatures they are.

This is where they spent hours atop
the detritus of long-gone sealife,
lolling around on shell bits
and wave-tossed rocks, sunning
and sleeping as the young seals
grew fat, and their mamas prepared
them for life in the wild.

We could not wander here then.
But now, in almost autumn,
the four-flippered, finished with
child rearing, have gone to sea,
hauling out on nearshore rocks
for daily naps.

And we, the two-footed,
are once again welcome on
this lovely beach, allowed to roam
where our hearts take us.
Where the surf laps gently and
the full moon will soon rise overhead,
and the peace of all that we are
rests here, where land meets ocean
and silhouetted cormorants fly low
over the wave tops,

and the sun, blesséd son,
warms me as I sit on a friendly rock,
and the poem arrives.